Let’s talk about transactional relationships. I looked up the meaning of the word transaction and found there are two definitions. One has to do with buying or selling. It is a business deal we’re all familiar with, an exchange of some sort. Another is an exchange or interaction between two people.
Many relationships are transactional in nature. Did you ever notice that the quickest way to get what we want from our spouse or children is to make a deal? If you do this, then I will do that. Well, I always do this for you, so why don’t you do it for me?
We’re creating a market with an exchange rate, where one acts only if something is received in return. As someone once told me when I asked for a favor: I’ll do it because I know one day I will need (here he was pretty explicit) and I want you to be there for me. I’m not sure he realized it, but what he was saying is he’s not really doing me a favor, he’s doing himself a favor.
It is remarkable how well bright kids, in particular, comprehend this process. Sometimes they understand us better than we understand ourselves because we would hate to view our intentions in this light. So the wagers are continually increased. When the child is young we tell them, if you listen, I’ll give you candy. As they get older and a little bit smarter, they realize that in order for them to follow directions, we offer retributions transactionally. They begin to demand more. Now we’re stuck. We don’t know of any other way of influencing our children, so the stakes become higher and higher.
In our modern world of affluence, once you reimburse your kid with a trip to Disney World at the age of six, there isn’t much more to trade with them. We teach them well. Eventually, children learn, anything we want them to do, they can get paid for. What we end up producing in such an environment of transactional relationships is a very selfish child. In an adult relationship, we have two very self-oriented, selfish people. The bottom line is what am I getting out of this? You have to offer something, for me to give in return.
We end up stripping ourselves of all influence on the other person. We have no impact. That individual is only compelled by what I’m putting forth. He or she will never do anything for me. It’s only the payment I’m extending that matters. As a result, transaction discourages having a real relationship.
Whereas, with an approach that’s just a little different, we would actually be strengthening our bond. We could wait for the other person to do something for us and then honor it. We’d even be giving the exact same prize, but now it’s no longer a payment. With children, in particular, rewarding is wonderful. Making a transaction, on the other hand, is extremely damaging.
How often is it that someone will say to their spouse: why should I when you never? That is a person who is transactionally oriented. They’ll only respond to your request if you act in return. That’s what we call a cold, business mindset.
True relationships are about being unconditional, and transactions create distance in them. Transactions also mean we carry no weight.
This is a fact in leadership with our children, and interactions with everyone, friends and spouses alike. Sadly, the reality is that a devastating amount of people only have transactional relationships in their lives. When we’re brought up in such an environment, that’s all we know and that’s all we model. That is the only way of moving through life and getting what we want that we recognize.
Incredibly, as this is the only exchange we are familiar with, we project it on G-d. Then Torah can easily be read as G-d having a transactional relationship with us. That’s how we understand it. If you do this, then I’m going to follow up with that.
Thus, there are many people who go through life believing that G-d plays a transactional game with us. In my humble opinion, this is very damaging in our connection to G-d, because this image is just not true. If you do this, I’ll do that. So every time we do something wrong, we are scared. Is G-d going to do something to us? Or we do something right, and we think, G-d, here you go, I expect something in return.
The reality is that G-d has a loving relationship with us. G-d is not petty. G-d is an infinite being.
A transaction, in some respects, is petty. Yet G-d is not here to force us into doing anything. G-d, in fact, wants the opposite. He gives us free choice so we could make the right decision on our own. He does say though that in all aspects of life there are consequences. And this is what we should teach our children. I’m sure we don’t need to enlighten our better halves. By now they usually know this.
So, yes, there are consequences. However, we don’t need to create a transaction out of them. When we live in harmony with the way the Creator intended for us and for the universe to function, that naturally opens a pathway for blessings. Yet when we plug those passages, there are repercussions, just as there would be with clogged arteries. G-d is not saying if this is what you do, then that’s how I’m going to respond. It’s not a cat and mouse game.
Indeed, there are many Rabbis who like to instill the fear of the Lord in people. That is their way of motivating a congregation. What they are teaching is unhealthy, because they are interpreting it as transactional, rather than real, relationship. It’s literally just taking an external element, which is either reward or punishment, and using that as an incentive to get someone to do what’s asked. But the person is not really doing it for you. They are not really doing it for G-d in such an instance.
We have to know unequivocally that G-d loves us. Being loving parents, we make sure our children understand there are consequences. As G-d cares about us, he would like for us to grasp it as well. He wants us to see: this is what’s going to happen as an effect of our actions. He shares this information with us because He loves us. It would be very hard to imagine an infinite G-d retaliating.
This plays on all levels of interactions. When we are living transactionally, we’re not relating to people, but rather to things. Moving outside of the transactional relationship means respecting, developing a rapport with, and demonstrating true love to the other person. Those are the building blocks for the different, transformational type of a bond. In it, we suddenly find that we have influence and can change our relationship completely.
Lovely and enlightening article, thank you very much!
amazing post and so accurate
I was looking for a good explanation of what a transactional relationship is, what it means. This post is very clear and has been a great help to me. Thank you.
You’re most welcome!
I am marred by the notion that all relationships are transactions themselves. Living in LA made it worse. I believe in dedication and sacrifices in relationships, but having such convictions actually scared me off from having actual meaningful relationships because I simply can’t trust women. Maybe I am a misogynist without realizing it. I’ve witnessed so many relationships and marriages sorely based on business-like matter, and I constantly question myself if I am the naive one.
Thanks Rabbi Weinstein – Transactional relationships are quick and easy, but aren’t good for the long term. They get unbalanced pretty easily and people become replaceable. Transformational relationships are easy once you believe that both of you will always get more out of the relationship no matter how much you put in. Realizing each others timeless, limitless being is an unhurried process without end. That’s what makes life so enjoyable.
Great comment, Andrew!
Sadly someone who is so dis connected from their own soul suggested that a relationship is a ‘ big business deal’ Im sad that they feel this way as our souls were so happy together and we got to know each other over the course of several months slowly and it could of been the perfect foundation for a very happy REAL relationship and family. My most treasured relationship started from a teenage friendship of 2 years and our bond was incredible and we were a real team for 8-10 years ( he died tragically and Ive been searching for something as real as this ever since sadly not yet found although I had seen a glimpse of it this year with above said man)
IN my past we had it in every sense which could make the best business or family or anything.
REAL bonds and connections are were greatness happens for our inner world and therefore our outer world.
Its UnStopABLE.
I hope his soul will find a way.
I will accept nothing less.
Thank you for your heart warming post.
Kindest.
Hi Sharon,
Thanks for the comment! May you find your soul partner with ease!
Thar is unconditional love. I would like to add in to this by saying that having just one person who loves you unconditionally makes all the difference. I have learned be this from experience. It’s odd to say, but as a child I was so sure about myself, my beliefs, my faith, and my decisions because I knew (although I wasn’t fully aware of it) that I would never be alone. Now, the people who composed my unconditional support system are gone and I’m learning first-hand about the anxiety that comes with the uncertainty of transactional relationships. It’s nerve racking to constantly wonder if saying the “wrong” thing is going to mess everything up. It’s hard not knowing if your personal development and intellectual growth will make you an undesirable commodity (aka you’re not the person I married/grew up with anymore) I’m not comfortable being objectified not am I comfortable objectifying others. It is mind boggling how were can be more concerned with superficial identifiers than moral identifies. It’s a person’s moral identity that matters.
A morally sound person will treat you with respect when things go wrong.
I can go on and on… So, I’ll sum everything up by asking people not to objectify themselves. Who are you when you are stripped of all of your titles, income, and accolades? If you don’t know find a place where you can just be you and find out.
Dear Rabbi Weinstein, thank you for this article. It put together a puzzle for me that has never been clear to me. I have suffered much from the presentation of God to me as transactional instead of relational. I am an old man now, a Goy and have done much personal research in both Hebrew and the Scriptures. I apologize in advance for the length of this post but felt I needed to do this.
Many years ago I noticed God made Jacob a unilateral promise at Bethel with great implications. But Jacob answered back with a response that has troubled me for a long time. Your article shed light on this for me. Jacob’s “if you will…then I will” transactional proposal highlights our problem in dealing with a loving God.
Gen 28:13 – And, behold, the LORD stood above it, and said, I am the LORD God of Abraham thy father, and the God of Isaac: the land whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed; And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south: and in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed. And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.
Gen 28:20 – And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, IF GOD WILL be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on, So that I come again to my father’s house in peace; THEN SHALL the LORD be my God: And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God’s house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee.
Sorry again for the long post but it means an awful lot to and a major blessing.
Wow, this post, I found profound. I need to learn this concept . I have been searching for a person in my life. A person, place, or situation where I feel loved respected and heard. It is ultimately better for me and those I choose to be in my life if I watch my motives when being of service . Do I Sub consciously expect some sort of return. On my “service“.I endeavor and aspire to do something for someone and not get caught. When doing so I feel the best and that is enough payment for me most times. Ultimate what others think of me is none of my business. I have no control nor do I want control OverWhat Others Feel about me me.Again, I try to do this,Every day butI know that I do fail. I do wish to work on this character defect of mine. And this post has helped me understand my intentions better.I Think you Rabbi for your teachingsThis morning. May you have exactly the day you want.