What we need to remember is that in the accident and mistake our loved one makes lies our greatest opportunity to strengthen our relationship. It is there that we show our true colors. If we can embrace then, they feel a love they’ve most likely been looking for all their life.
A few years back my family went on a two day family trip. We piled into our minivan, two adults and six kids. That’s every seat if you’re familiar with minivans. Our itinerary was to meet cousins at a small amusement park and then visit my in-laws and sleeping over. The next day we were to get together with other cousins for another kids activity. Off we went. We had a great time at the amusement park. We then headed to my in-laws. We found ourselves in bumper to bumper traffic when it happened. I was driving and I rear-ended the car in front of us pretty hard. Thank G-d no one was hurt. While the damage to the car in front of us was minimal, the damage to our hood and everything under it wasn’t pretty. We knew this from the way the engine was smoking and leaking. It was not in drivable condition. We were stuck at the side of the highway.
The moment after we crashed, my wife turned to me and said, “It’s ok.” I’ll never forget these words. I obviously didn’t feel very good about crashing with my entire family in the car, affecting a nice family outing and creating the inconvenience of being stuck at the side of the highway. Never mind the scare of crashing with my wife and kids in the car. My wife’s two instinctive words told me she genuinely accepted me, even when I wasn’t convenient and even when I created a scare. “It’s fine.” She was saying her feelings for me are not determined by how convenient I am to her or by how big of a mistake I make.
Unconditional love is an ideal. It isn’t something we perfect, yet we strive to get closer and closer to it. There’s a teaching in Ethics of Our Fathers which says, “Any love that is dependent upon a condition, when the condition ceases, the love ceases; but if is not dependent upon anything, it will never cease.”
There are special opportunities to show people we truly love them. They are at the most unexpected times and not when we typically think. Additionally, simply telling our children how much we love them or how special they are does very little for them when they’re not backed up by our behavior. You can actually measure the impact you’re having based on the difficulty involved. Saying I love isn’t hard at all and that’s about the extent of its impact. Our words are hardly as deep as our behavior and will never compensate for our behavior.
So what are those special opportunities when we can demonstrate our deep love for someone? Specifically at a time when they are usually not accepted and loved by others. When they make a mistake, when they’re inconvenient or when they cost us our time or money. When our children listen, are orderly and make us proud, and we tell them we love them, what are they hearing? They are hearing that as long they are convenient, easy and make us feel good we love them. It’s very likely, as I explained in episode 24, that we are only loving ourselves and the satisfaction we have when our children makes us look good or feel good.
How do our children know and how do we know that the natural and often hidden love we have for them has actually become part of our behavior and our conscious selves? When we express the same sentiment to our children when things don’t work in our favor. How to we react when our child spills their snack in the car? Do we respond with a focus on ourselves and the inconvenience they’ve just created for us or do we respond with a focus on them, understanding that children mistakenly spill things at times just like adults? How do we react when our child screams in the supermarket for a candy? Do we respond with a focus on how they are making us look and therefore take it out on them or do we calmly remind ourselves that children love candy and haven’t yet developed self-control? The way we respond in these challenging situations tell our children whether we love them consciously. We may hate to hear this but our actions do speak to our children much louder than our words.
Imagine a child carrying a plate of china to the table. This plate is from a set with serving for eight. Let’s put our imagination into slow motion. As the child is carrying the plate you begin to see one of the side dishes begin sliding off the plate. Before the food splatters all over the floor you can see how the plate is beginning to fall. Following the food is the china plate which soundly crashes to the floor, smashing into numerous pieces. As we look at the parent we noticed a change in the color of their face. We begin to see strong emotion. We notice a strain in their neck as they begin to yell at their child.
That moment, when the china plate crashes to the floor, is the signal to the parent. It’s the signal that announces an opportunity to show their child unconditional love. It’s the opportunity to let their child know that they are more important to them than a replaceable plate of china. It’s an opportunity to let their child know that their value is far greater than their mistakes. So the parents stays calm and tells their child it’s ok. They say, “We’ve all dropped things. We’ll go get a replacement tomorrow.” Perhaps they’ll even tell the child to get a broom and begin sweeping it up, empowering them in a vulnerable moment and teaching them the clean up after their mistakes in a constructive way. This child is lucky. They will always remember they are more valuable than some china. They are more valuable than their mistakes. My parent truly loves me. They are freer than most people because they won’t enter into everything they do in life with the worry of what happens if or whether someone will yell at them. This child feels loved. All of this isn’t only true with our children. It is most relevant for our spouses and our friends.
I can’t tell you how many times people have broken a glass at my home, we do a lot of hosting, and they apologize profusely. I always tell them it’s totally fine, it’s just a glass. Let’s keep things in perspective. It’s a cup or two of coffee. Our friendship is far more valuable than a glass. It’s really not big deal.
What we need to remember is that in the accident and mistake our loved one makes lies our greatest opportunity to strengthen our relationship. It is there that we show our true colors. If we can embrace then, they feel a love they’ve most likely been looking for all their life.
So I leave you with this challenge. Think of one person you love, a spouse, a child, a parent or a friend. Challenge yourself not to get upset the next time they make an inconvenient mistake but rather hug them and say, “It’s ok. I love you all the same.”