In this deeply insightful interview with Rabbi Manis Friedman of http://www.itsgoodtoknow.org/, we discuss identifying our core challenge as well as one thing you can do to improve your relationships. This is part 1 of a 2 part interview. Enjoy!
Hi, there, everyone, today I have a very special treat for you, it’s our very first interview on the Beginning Within podcast interviewing a world-renowned scholar, lecturer, an original thinker. A man in who conversing with him every single question I asked him both on this podcast and in our conversation beforehand, he had deep insight and wisdom to share. And so it was a very big honor for me and you will glean tremendous wisdom from today’s podcast and next week’s podcast, which will be a continuation of this interview. It is with none other than Rabbi Manis Friedman. You can Google his name and find him all over the place. I am so glad I am able to share this with you.
And I discuss in today’s podcast two questions. The first question that I speak to him about is what I consider to be the fundamental human challenge that lies at the core of all of our challenges and that is our self-orientation, our nature to always be consumed with ourself.
And the second I ask him is a question about relationships, what is one thing anyone can do that will enhance their relationships with other people?
So I hope you love this podcast as much as I do and look out for next week’s podcast which will be Part II of this interview. Enjoy.
RABBI ARYEH WEINSTEIN:
So, Rabbi Friedman, it’s a great honor to have you on the Beginning Within podcast. You are actually the very first interview that we’re having on this podcast. Typically, it’s a ten-minute message. And what a great way to start interviews with a scholar, someone who has simple brilliance, as the way I see it. And as being a student of yours for many years, it’s an honor for me to share your wisdom with those who are listening to the podcast.
So I’d like to ask you a few questions, and you’ll share your thoughts with us on them. And the first question is, will you agree and what would you say to this comment: The greatest human challenge is our self-orientation, that we are self-oriented and that it’s hard for us to get out of that orientation?
RABBI MANIS FRIEDMAN:
That’s been a problem for many, many years, maybe since Adam and Eve. But, the good news is, that it has become so bad with pop psychology fanning the flames, you know, are you really healthy, are you really happy, do you really hate your mother, do you really love your mother? All that focus on self has taken us over the top and people have become literally narcissistic, which is an illness. People are sick of it. So now when people say, Leave me alone, you hear what they’re saying? Leave the “me” alone. Can’t we talk about something else for a change?
Like, every salesman: I’ll make your life better, I’ll help you. Leave the “me” alone. Get me out of me. That’s been going on for a few years. But let me make a little prediction here: The future of psychology is what Chassidus has been telling us for many years, there’s a part to life, to ourselves, that is not about the me at all. It’s the healthiest part of us.
Children today will come out with a statement like, I didn’t ask to be born. When you expect them to do something, their answer is, Do that? I didn’t even ask to be born.
And, of course, being the amateur psychiatrist, we all think the kid is depressed and has got to be put onto medications. But if we would just stop and think, I didn’t ask to be born. Oh, neither did I. Nobody asks to be born, which means, we don’t need to be born. If we needed to, we would have asked. We don’t ask because we don’t need to, which means the life I’m living is not mine because I don’t need it and I didn’t ask for it.
So you could get a little depressed about that. You could get a little nialistic about it and fatalistic and there’s no meaning to life, I don’t need it, I don’t want it.
It’s the opposite. If I didn’t ask for it and I don’t need it, then the most intelligent question is, who does? Because I am here. I was born. Even though I don’t need it. So if this is not a response; life, existence, is not a response to my need, well, then, who needs me?
So here is the bottom line: To be needed is much more important than to be loved. And if I knew what I was needed for, I would get out of the me monster. Gladly. Because the me monster is choking us.
RABBI ARYEH WEINSTEIN:
Wow, Wow. That was outstanding. I love the way you explain how to get out of the me. That is fantastic, fantastic.
So the healthy part of us is the part of us that is needed for something and the unhealthy part of us is our self-absorption. So it sounds like you would agree very strongly with the fact that self-orientation is a huge problem, it always has been, and whatever we can do to diminish that would be very helpful.
RABBI MANIS FRIEDMAN:
And now it’s possible because we’re fed up with it. We’re not fighting to protect the me anymore. We want out. Give me something bigger than me, get me out of me. The only way to do that is to find a bigger need, a truer need than mine.
Because, if I was not created as necessary, then all I have are my needs. I’m stuck with them. And I hate it. I’d rather be needed than to take care of my needs.
RABBI ARYEH WEINSTEIN:
So another way of understanding when we yell, Leave me alone, is, the superficial understanding of that is leave me alone, I want to be about me. But that can also be heard as the cry of our soul saying, leave the me alone because I want me to stop getting in my way. Very profound. Very profound.
And that’s actually the message of the podcast Beginning Within, is to discover our inherent value from within as opposed to relying on all of the values that we create for ourselves, which are all superficial.
So here is another question: What’s one thing anyone can do that will enhance their relationship or their marriage? What would you say is the one thing someone can do, Do this, this will definitely help your marriage or your relationship?
RABBI MANIS FRIEDMAN:
Never ask why. If your wife says, I can’t stand when you do that, don’t ask why. It’s insulting. If your wife says, I don’t like when you do that, just stop doing it. Then you can ask why.
But if you ask why, it’s as if you’re saying, you haven’t given me a good reason to stop. Give me a good reason. And your wife is thinking, I gave you the best reason because I can’t stand it. If that’s not a good reason, we’re in trouble.
So when you say why, you’re saying, it needs a little more justification than just the fact that you can’t stand it. It’s insulting.
So the question why really should be erased from the dictionary because why is never a good question. If you want to understand something, ask how, what, who. But why? Why is more often a rejection than a question. You tell your kid it’s time to go to sleep and the kid says, Why? Do you give him a lecture on sleep? He’s not asking why, he’s saying, I’m not going. So don’t try to answer it. He doesn’t want an answer.
On a serious level, when Jews are suffering and Moshe asks God, Why? God doesn’t answer. He doesn’t give him a lecture on the value of suffering. And Moshe didn’t want an answer. So when people say, why was there a Holocaust? You don’t want an answer. Because if you’re willing to accept an answer, you’re not a nice guy. You’re objecting, you’re expressing an opinion, you’re saying it’s got to stop. You don’t want an answer.
So we have to understand what we’re saying and how we ask. For example, on Pesach, we don’t ask why is this night different; what is different about this night. Mah Nishtanah, not lama. Because why just means I’m not interested. Like, why can’t I do that means I’m doing it unless you can convince me otherwise. But if you say, what’s bad about this, you’re asking a real question.
So ask your spouse, what do you feel, what bothers you? Never why. The other thing is, you don’t want to be right. It comes down to this: You want to be married or you want to be right. You can’t be both. The need to be right is destructive. Your need to be there for your spouse, not be right in your arguments.
And this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t say what is right. But when what you’re saying is right, that’s very different from I’m right. Because some things are right and some things are wrong. But that’s an objective truth. So if I tell you, you’re not allowed to eat that candy, it’s not Kosher, and you say I don’t care, you haven’t insulted me. But I told you it wasn’t about me. I’m just telling you what’s Kosher and what’s not Kosher. So if I take it personally, I’m destroying the relationship. And if I insist on I’m right and so I do marriage counseling. A couple sits there and accuses each other of all sorts of horrendous stuff and I am trying to figure out who is telling the truth and who is guilty here, who is the monster, what’s going on. And then they say, so who is right oh, so that’s the problem. You want to be right. That’s not good a thing.
So don’t ask why and don’t insist on being right. Your relationship will be better immediately.
RABBI ARYEH WEINSTEIN:
Absolutely. So I just celebrated my 20th anniversary and I can confirm that both pieces of advice are absolutely true.
RABBI MANIS FRIEDMAN:
You haven’t been right and you don’t know why.
RABBI ARYEH WEINSTEIN:
Right. I haven’t been right and I don’t know why.
The why point is really a deep insight because, really, why is really a rejection, as he just explained, it’s just saying, I don’t accept what you’re saying, which I never thought I never put that together with Mah Nishtanah, what is different about this night. All the translations say why is this night different.
And being right and wrong, which is very interesting because I feel that a lot of times we bring the model of right and wrong into human relationships and the human relationship, humanity and sensitivity and connection, runs on a deeper level than right and wrong. Which is the reason why we have forgiveness because even though someone is wrong, that doesn’t necessarily get into the way of a relationship when the relationship is deeper than the wrong.
And going back to the point you said about Moshe, where he asked God why bad things happen to good people and not getting an answer, there also, which I’m just repeating, you know, the idea that you said, so there also once someone can explain something horrific, they lose their compassion, which means you’re losing your humanity. So asking why and getting an answer can actually be more destructive than simply doing.